Motivaiton and Life Choices

              I have come to the conclusion there are basically two different types of motivation, smart and stupid. No, this isn’t some new psychological theory on motivation that will make history. That’s not to say that something that motivates an individual is stupid, for me it means the motivation results in what I call a poor life choice. My poor life choices often result consequences such as stress fractures, flair ups of tendonitis, and sometimes hospital visits. I try not to make poor life choices but every once in a while I do. So while I have these goals that I have set, I have another side goal: make minimal “life choices.” I start with talking about life choices, because I haven’t exactly met my goal for this week. I don’t want to condone the use of excuses, I believe they are a way of self-sabotage; however, I also believe that over-doing it is just as bad as self -sabotage. I don’t believe in being perfect either. So where is the line of all of these standards? I’ll let you know when I find it. For now I made decisions this week that will hopefully benefit me more in the long run versus the alternative of long term harm.

                The week started out great! I biked a 10 mile ride on Sunday and got in some strengthening on Monday. On Tuesday I was determined to do a 20 mile ride, which later became a life choice that thankfully I don’t regret fully. I should have known when my insane father wasn’t going to go for a bike ride the weather was not anything I should ride in. I wasn’t too concerned about the cold, and I figured the wind would only suck in that it would make me work harder. Within the first 5 miles of my ride I crossed the highway on a bridge, and quickly learned that the wind could really push me wherever it wanted. I could have turned back but I didn’t, I had made a commitment. I listened to my music and mouthed lyrics until I reached trees that blocked the wind a little bit. I made it another 5 miles and was headed into Windsor, CO, when a semi passed me going 50-60miles an hour and the wind hit me like none other. I once again almost fell over, but I kept going. I mapped my route home from my pit stop while seriously considering calling for a ride home. I got on my bike and headed north, now officially into the wind. At 18 miles I decided the sun had gone away, it was 39 degrees without wind chill, and I was losing more and more control of my bike. It was time to call mom. I was pretty bummed that I only had a 7 or 8 miles to get home, but I realized that I would much rather be able to bike the next day than to not be able to bike again.

I told yout it was cold. I might as well have been skiing with the clothes I was wearing.

                On Wednesday, I celebrated Christmas with my wonderful family. It was a great holiday even with the cold passing around the family. I had managed to avoid getting sick the first week from my mother, but by Wednesday Rachel was three days into being sick, and by Thursday I woke up with a sore throat. I managed to go for a short ride with my Dad on Thursday which was originally going to be a much longer pedal. We we’re set to leave at noon, which turned into 12:20, than we stopped to get my odometer adjusted at the bike store, putting us at 12:30 departure time. A mile into the ride I got my fifth flat in the past 6 months. We quickly turned around to get that fixed. At 1pm, Dad pointed out if I I did my full 35mile goal I would be finishing after dark, so I minimized the goal. At this point I wasn’t feeling too crappy but not 100% either. We pedaled 5 miles in and my foot was hurting much more than it should, I wasn’t in my “zone of motivation” and I had too much doubt in my head. I decided to turn around and I would do my 35 miles the next day. Friday and Saturday have gone to being sick, though its not impossible for me to exercise right now 3 hours or even an hour outside in the cold is enough to make my lungs and foot scream. Some of you at this point might be thinking that I might have some sense of responsibility, don’t worry I still have intentions of being ridiculous next week.

 I’m not concerned about doing a century on February 8^th, but I still have ambition to do maybe 50. Hopefully I will be at an EMS conference on the 8^th and will have to pedal a different day.

I am incredibly happy to report that I am on track with the whole30 despite the holidays and being sick. I have officially gone over 2 weeks without sugar in any of my foods including as an ingredient form of any of the –oses, accept of course natural fruit sugar. I don’t desperately want to eat junk to fill myself; I have however hit some of the psychological barriers with dependence on certain foods this week especially with tradition of Christmas. I asked my mom not to give me any food in my stocking this year, which was very helpful, but I certainly had a moment of missing the tradition of having the orange chocolates, and everything else that the rest of the family had. I gladly enjoyed some hard boiled eggs and lunch meat (crazy I know!). I got an amazing book from Tess that has some awesome recipes fully whole30 safe and great for once I’m also done with the whole30 to continue to eat foods that make me feel good.

The life lessons of the week came down to: 1. I have control over what I eat, and can really consistently make good choices. 2. Not every ride is going to happen the way I want it too. 3. I will keep getting back on the bike until I make my goal safely.

When it comes down to it getting through the past week has been about taking it one day at a time and one challenge at a time. I didn’t touch a drop of sugary sweets of the 6 plates that came to our house, the two pies, or even the egg nog. I did this because I knew what I wanted and was driven to not sabotage my goal because I had doubt. I once told a friend that she was so positive and supportive and never not supportive. She responded we beat ourselves up enough already, I don’t need to do that for you. This wasn’t the first or last time I’ve thought about negative thoughts, but positive mental attitude is a huge factor in why I accomplished what I did this week.  I didn’t finish my 35 miles, mainly because I was afraid to really try from my own doubt that was supported by others doubting it as well. I hope for this next week I am stronger with my confidence and continue to me smart with my life choices. 

A Plate of Cookies

        Though not every goal I have made I have accomplished I have certainly learned a lot of life lessons by giving myself direction through these goals. I have also accomplished a lot of goals that at the beginning I would not have told you I knew it would happen but I had to believe it would happen and make others believe it would happen and it did. That’s exactly what many members of the World Health Organization (WHO), had to do with the AIDS/HIV epidemic.

Have you seen the 40cent ad? If not take a second to watch this:

     

In 1988, the cost of treatment for an HIV positive patient was around $12,000 a year. Today the cost is around $140 a year, or 35-40 cents a day. Individuals had to fight for this change just as they have for any change in the epidemic. Goals were made that seemed ridiculous to so many world leaders or those in positions of power. These ridiculous goals are why we have had progress; however, there is still an incredible amount of work to be done. As described by Dr. Jim Yong Kim—one of the names in the fight against AIDS/HIV—when you study AIDS your studying history and how social inequality and poverty drives epidemics. The AIDS epidemic is not just one disease apart of our history and current issues, it is a symbol of the social issue, and it is a symbol of what can be and what has been. 

When I think about the goals that I have made, more recently, I have had some very ambitious goals. At the start of my personal project in 10^th grade, I made a goal of fundraising $1,000 for Northern Colorado AIDS Project through my tennis tournament and dinner. I never would have really thought I would have gotten the support from local businesses that I received in discounts, in kind donations, and donations. My original thought is the tournament would be huge and successful, and that would be how I would raise the $1,000. I must admit that was not how, I had 10 friends  who played in round robin format, but it was successful in that I had support to make my goal happen. I also had community members, family, and friends who attended the dinner and silent auction, my other support for making it happen. In the end we raised over $1,600. I initiated this goal on my own which makes it impressive, but accomplished with lots of support.

In the past week or at least since I posted last, I have outlined my “goal” for doing the 7 day ride to end AIDS, though now that I think of it, the title initiative.  I like the “SMART” model except for the realistic part because I think that gives you an excuse to be easy on yourself which can be good too. For me realistic is necessary but I think of it as also knowing my limits which is more applicable to once I’m trying for my goal and adjusting it. So my goal is to do the 7 day ride to end AIDS this June. My goals that lead up to that are to complete the whole 30 (which I have started), do the century ride on February 8th, and continue to train for the ride.

I can’t stress enough how important it is to have support, but I don’t expect everyone to support me. In fact some of my motivation comes from people who have doubt. I love to prove people wrong, and I am quite good at it. I am most definitely resilient. This past week I started training for my century ride, which is a little late considering but I’m on schedule thus far. My total mileage was 60miles and my longest ride was 25 miles. When it comes to support I certainly have a phenomenal group of people surrounding me everywhere. My friend Tess drove the route while I rode the route on my 25 mile ride, as I have been pretty sick recently and needed to have a backup plan. (Picture below is from the 25 mile ride, we stopped at MCR for a quick bathroom break before I continued to pedal home)

In terms of support I also have checked in with my physical therapist, knowing that if I do flair things up I need to back off or recognize I made the choice and have to deal with the consequences. My PT did laugh though when it finally came out I wanted to train for a century ride in 8 weeks. Apparently I have a pattern of going a little gun-ho, but ehh it works sometimes. 

Oh the whole30. I am officially on day 8, though unofficially I kind of started two days before just testing out things, but I had yet to go grocery shopping. I have been reading a lot of the forums and blogs in relation to the whole30 and for the most part I have only read anything that is from people who have control of what is brought into their house. Now I do have that control right now, but I have no control over eliminating things from my environment. While the family supports the endeavor they don’t go anywhere out of their way to make it easier.  Example A: The Cookie Platter that showed up to on night two, my parents dug in right in front of me.

Example B: I baked a plate of cookies for my mothers class because she ran out of time. I did not eat a single cookie or lick a single finger.
            The Whole30 has certainly been hard but I think I’m over the physical hump for the most part. My body doesn’t crave the sugars so much as it is more mental now. As long as I remind myself of its my choice or ask myself why I want the food, I think I’ll be okay. Either way I made it a week without sugar and a bunch of stuff that isn’t so great, and I have stopped eating before 8pm every night! I have cooked some pretty awesome things in the past week including spaghetti squash, and a delicious homemade spaghetti sauce. I have learned to read labels pretty well too, and most importantly I have planned! While my family has made it a little hard, once again Tess has got my back. Tess is doing the whole30 too, and has completed it before, and my parents have thrown a few compliments in on the changes I’ve made which is always a good way to show support.

For the next week my goal is to keep up with the whole30, keep peddling (longest ride 30-35miles), start integrating strengthening exercises and keep finding motivation!

To start I am assuming the only people reading this blog right now are friends and family; therefor, my explanations of certain topics will be short.

                I don’t know how many years ago (which is sad because it really wasn’t that long ago), I read a book for my freshmen high school biology class, And The Band Played On, by Randy Stilts.

 I honestly haven’t read a single page of the book since than because it still daunts me that I read close to 100 pages of the book in period of 3 hours so I could do one of the many assignments that went along with this book. It was 700 pages about the history of the AIDS epidemic, and specifically the political history.  (If you don't want to read all 600 pages feel free to skip to the movie, and feel guilty).

When I say political I’m not just talking about President Regan’s response or even President Obama’s response singularly, I’m talking about how the country responded and the scientific community and how they intertwined. The book was a turning point for me. I’ve always had my causes, I’m sure you (if you’re a fb friend, or a friend, or a family member) could list 5 right now. I can: Breast Cancer (huge for so many reasons and started probably when I was I don’t know whenever the Susan G. Komen walk in Denver started, I’ve been doing it every year),

 Bullying (I can tell stories that you should have to buy me a beer to hear), Asthma (I have asthma, but really it goes beyond that I fell in love with Champ Camp 2 years ago, a topic for another time, and the American lung association)

, Cystic Fibrosis (once again, a topic for another time), Alzheimers ( A topic for another time too, but my grandfather had alzheimers and I’ve seen so many friends lose loved ones so close to alzheimers, and not death, I mean loss without physical loss which I have found is the hardest),

 Traumatic Brain Injuries (My sister so amazing, but she has her story too, had a TBI in 2010), General well being and health (I helped start the wellness group on coes campus, which unfortunately has temporarily disappeared while I have been home), Kids Cancer (Topic for another time).

 Year 1 Before Pictures 

Erin and Me, Erin and I met through the Starlight Foundation. Erin has had Cancer since a very young age, she and I are the same age :)

Abby and I, Abby and I played tennis together throughout high school. 

Abby was volunteering for her sorority I believe, not a planned run in but cool to have her support since I was shaving my head 60 miles away from home, there were no shaving events in Fort Collins.

Year 2 Picture, I ran the event at my high school only 23 shaved their heads and only $3,000 raised.

Mrs. Baker and I as we shaved our heads.

Year 3 Pictures: The Wellness Group ran the event on campus. Lamda Chi brothers participated incredibly heavily and are the main reason why the event was soooo successful. We raised around $6,000, had 50 people shave their heads, and 7 of those were females. Next year starts here help Coe out, Jake Feldman is running the event which is no easy task: http://www.stbaldricks.org/events/mypage/9814/2014

From back to front: Katie shaving Sophie's head, Sophie shaving Kelsey's head, and Me.

The three girls who started this again.

 Some of the awesome people who shaved their head too! 

                  OH so my point was I have a bunch of causes, and well AIDS/HIV is probably actually one of my biggest ones, but its also a silent one in my life recently, which is truly truly unfortunate, I have fallen to the dreaded “c” word.  To understand this let me share an article with you though you don’t have to read it.  http://www.npr.org/blogs/health/2013/12/06/249242591/hoped-for-aids-cures-fail-in-2-boston-patients

                To sum up the article, there has been a recent devastating failure in the science of a potential cure, but not so devastating after all. It helps us (the world) refocus on AIDS/HIV for a minute—really probably going to only be a short time compared to cancer (because cancer effects more people).

The point being cancer (not blaming anyone), has become the forefront of everyone’s mind because it does effect a lot of people, but we have to remember how AIDS/HIV has affected the world not just us *as in the U.S. That’s right now I am trying to make you mad, we the U.S., and other developed countries have put cancer on the top priority list because that’s what affects us the most. It’s only in developed countries that you can get cancer treatment let alone live to have cancer. Cancer sucks. I am the first to say that not because I have cancer, but because I’ve just seen too much of it. The people with the money here have chosen where to spend it and AIDS/HIV has fallen on the backburner, because now you truly can live with HIV. We’re scared shitless of it when you mention it or someone has it, but you can live with it. Its important we do remember, and my generation and the next generation learn from the generations above what happened and how it affected their lives, this issue isn't just a disease its much more than that.

Since the book, I have spent a lot of time learning about how AIDS/HIV has affected the world including my own town, Fort Collins. I’ve taken every opportunity I could to learn about AIDS/HIV, whether it be the history, the science/medicine, and the social aspect. I’ve written countless papers, read many books and articles, watched an array of movies, and talked with a lot of different people for all of this. I’ve produced artwork and presentations on the issue both successful and unsuccessful and I’ve learned so many life lessons from all of this.  One of these life lessons being, illness of any sort whether it be disease related or trauma related can affect anyone, a second being the way a community reacts to a this is dependent on what is the interpreted cause of the illness. The second lesson is so very important because it is reflective of humans, in that people as a whole tend to assume and assume the worst (worst being in their mind).  This is true whether it be a car accident, or a disease causing the illness, there is stigma around the causes of illness, and this includes obesity. Though obesity tends to be other way around until the “cause” is established there is a negative stigma associated with that individual.

So the point of this entire novel is I’m passionate about the issue and find it to be something that I have related to throughout my years of exploring the epidemic and how it became an issue.

I am 19 close to turning 20, and one of my bucket list items is to do the 7 Day Ride to End AIDS in California, a 500+mile ride from San Francisco to Los Angeles over 7 Days. In order to do this several things have to happen 1. I have to be healthy enough to even get in shape for this challenge. 2. I have to raise $3,000 to do the ride and work to pay for my own share of getting to California. 3. I have to get in shape for this ride. 4. In February I will have the opportunity to complete a century ride at the pace of or faster pace than my father, this is when I will get to register for the 7 day ride. 

A lot has to happen for me to do the 7 day ride to end AIDS in June of 2014, but it’s a challenge and a journey that I’m looking forward to. With this fundraiser/cause of mine, it’ll really reflect a journey of my own. Each week I’ll blog about different topics related to my journey.  My goal is to reach a level of fit that I haven’t gotten to enjoy in awhile due to constant stress fractures and being in and out of hospitals. While making getting to the level of fitness or health any individual wants it is never easy, it has been an incredibly difficult challenge for me due to stress fractures, the threat of a stress fracture, and my asthma and allergies. As I go through this challenge I will have mini goals and my first mini goal is to complete for the eating side of becoming fit is to complete the Whole 30. I couldn’t have picked a worst time to try this seeing how it is the holiday season, but in reality if I can’t do it now I can’t do it any other time. Life is all about making the right choices and that’s what the whole 30 is.

So here is the beginning of my blog and my journey. I have started a lot of projects before but this isn’t a project, it’s my life. This is me recovering to find good health again both physically and mentally.