If
we're going to have this talk, I'd like to prepare you a little bit. I want you
to know that if I could redo the past 20 years I would most definitely take different
turns. I do not believe would be who I am without the difficulties that I have
had, nor would I have developed the same relationships I have had.
My most
recent difficulty has been that I stopped sleeping due to the angioedema, and bone/joint
pain. I injured both my shoulder and tail bone in the previous months which has
led to significant amount of pain. I didn't want to ask or take narcotics
because I do not believe narcotics are the solution for my pain 99% of the
time, and I have no interest in becoming dependent on narcotics. Considering the amount of sleep issues I had I
don't know if this is one of the wrong turns I took.
As a
result or perhaps well deserved I also ended up getting pretty sick from the
asthma and allergy side of life this past month and that was difficult. Finally
I had emotional stressors and physical stressors that I pushed through. As a
dear friend has told me "You tell your body what you want it to do and it
will do it, but what are the concequences of doing it?" So I struggled on
the physical, mental, and spiritual side greatly in the past couple of months
and I asked for help but kept getting arrows of getting help else where.
Finally the week of Christmas my mind and body broke down completely.
Christmas
eve was enjoyed over multiple ED visists and a final admit on christmas morning
only to quickly get discharged (my request due to anxiety of being in a
hospital and knowing that was a contributing factor). We (my second sister,
Emily) and I drove than to my "Aunt's" house in Denver. I attempted
to make it home from there and ended up on another ambulance to swedish where I
did at least get 4 great hours of sleep. After being discharged Emily and I
made our way to her apartment where we made it through a swelling episode.
Unfortunately I took on someone else's problem that night and not only had to
call an ambulance for someone an hour away and horrible snow conditions, but
got my car stuck and bought myself another ambulance as no one is going to
leave a 20 year old in a snow storm with her car when she is swelling and her
BP is dropping. Got quickly discharged from Sky Ridge (hospital number 4/5 of
the month), once again at my request.
My parents
rightfully worried did not allow me access to the car that had all of my
medicaitons in them as it was towed. Me in a manic state had the taxi driver
take me to walgreens. I knew that I could at least get medication that was
needed and due at the time. My next step was that we would drive through
Boulder and Longmont up to Fort Collins where I needed to take care of a Dog as
well as where my house was. There are more family dynamics that complicate the
issue, but nothing that my parents or any family members have done wrong.
(remember everyone has the same goal but there are 40 ways that look like they
might get us there and 10 are sketchy, and 10 are frustrating and 20 are a coin
flip).
So back
to the 26th of December, I was in the taxi monitoring things with my new bp
cuff and new pulse ox. I had some apple juice to make sure my body had some
energy to deal with the swelling that was occurring. I wrote on my new
whiteboard some affirmations to make sure I stayed with it and got through
everything. I knew I needed a nebulizer treatment as I had the flu and knew
that I minimum needed an albuterol treatment. We made it to Boulder and I begans
tightening up more, (anxiety most definitely a factor), but I had no medication
except for epinephrine pens to use which I didn't want to. I also had the
swelling but the trach was in and it was open. The final factor is my brain has
recently been throwing in some pretty scary neurological symptoms, which to my
knowledge I believe was my brain's way of saying "I'm done bitch, give me
help, I can't cope any longer." Perhaps there is a more legitimate medical
reason as well. So the result was we called an ambulance and from my memory
talking with dispatch I couldn't say what exactly was going on and repeating
phrases became incredibly hard.
This
time in the ED the doc in charge quickly discharged me with anxiety. I quickly
rebounded in front of the patient advocate and called dispatch such that there
would be record of how this went down. At this point remember I had 4 hours of
sleep in a 24 hour period. Incredilby stressed not only because of my own health
but its been a month of trauma all around (putting a dear friend's cat down, finals
week, and having a friend in the ICU). So I was put on an M-1 hold and a
different doctor saw me. I don't actually really remember everything but I
continued to get more physically sick. I got taken care of physically but was
taken of steroids abruptly. If you were my friend my freshmen year of high
school you might remember some of the mania I had than after abruptly being
taken of steroids. It is apparent now that most likely I have a form of
Bipolar, and as doctors have said a very mild form; however, it is complicated
by steroids and the medications I tend to need regularly.
I spent
around 7 days on the mental health floor to get me back to baseline physically
and mentally. The hardest part for me is accepting that I most definitely
suffer from a mental illness. Even though I have tremendous coping skills from
all the trauma I have been through it was time that I got help in pulling those
coping skills out as well as giving me a break from family dynamic stress. I
also didn't have to deal with my angioedema alone for the entire week and I saw
no friends suffer by watching me go through it. It sucks that I needed that
much help but I will say I had been askingaserious pyschiatric help for the
past couple months in doctors appointments as many will note. I met some
amazing people and truly had a wonderful time growing on the behavioral health
unit. I could not thank AMR, PVH EMS, PVH, MCR, UCH, and BCH enough for the
help and kindness that has been shared despite any severely abnormal behaviors
I had. If you're reading this and have
been a provider for me at some point in time, note that your work will never go
unnoticed in my life. I will always be paying it forward; however, it is time
that I take over my own care and hopefully learned the lessons needed to be
truly successful. I do ask that you don't use me sharing that I have Bipolar as
a way to justify anything you thought was weird about me, perhaps use it to
recognize my strength instead.
To end this note I'll type the
poem I wrote while I was in there. It is incrediby important to me share that I
am proud I was there as I start my EMS career. I recognize that not all may see
it way. I encourage you to try to see it as a benefit to my growth as a
provider especially considering our current crisis with not only providers
experiencing depression but also patients throughout our nation. I was never in
a state that I considered ending my life, but my self harm became forcing my
mind and body through more than it was able to handle. If I asked or ask you
for help and you say no don't feel bad at all, I am incredibly cognisant of
boundaries and would prefer to have boundaries than for you to break your back
picking me up.
What being here means:
It means I didn't
give up,
It means I raised my
hand for help,
It means I have
people who care about me,
It means I never gave
up,
It means I am loved,
It means I love
myself,
It means I love my
future.
