Thursday, January 8, 2015

What it Means to Be Here

                If we're going to have this talk, I'd like to prepare you a little bit. I want you to know that if I could redo the past 20 years I would most definitely take different turns. I do not believe would be who I am without the difficulties that I have had, nor would I have developed the same relationships I have had.
                My most recent difficulty has been that I stopped sleeping due to the angioedema, and bone/joint pain. I injured both my shoulder and tail bone in the previous months which has led to significant amount of pain. I didn't want to ask or take narcotics because I do not believe narcotics are the solution for my pain 99% of the time, and I have no interest in becoming dependent on narcotics.  Considering the amount of sleep issues I had I don't know if this is one of the wrong turns I took.
                As a result or perhaps well deserved I also ended up getting pretty sick from the asthma and allergy side of life this past month and that was difficult. Finally I had emotional stressors and physical stressors that I pushed through. As a dear friend has told me "You tell your body what you want it to do and it will do it, but what are the concequences of doing it?" So I struggled on the physical, mental, and spiritual side greatly in the past couple of months and I asked for help but kept getting arrows of getting help else where. Finally the week of Christmas my mind and body broke down completely.
                Christmas eve was enjoyed over multiple ED visists and a final admit on christmas morning only to quickly get discharged (my request due to anxiety of being in a hospital and knowing that was a contributing factor). We (my second sister, Emily) and I drove than to my "Aunt's" house in Denver. I attempted to make it home from there and ended up on another ambulance to swedish where I did at least get 4 great hours of sleep. After being discharged Emily and I made our way to her apartment where we made it through a swelling episode. Unfortunately I took on someone else's problem that night and not only had to call an ambulance for someone an hour away and horrible snow conditions, but got my car stuck and bought myself another ambulance as no one is going to leave a 20 year old in a snow storm with her car when she is swelling and her BP is dropping. Got quickly discharged from Sky Ridge (hospital number 4/5 of the month), once again at my request.
                My parents rightfully worried did not allow me access to the car that had all of my medicaitons in them as it was towed. Me in a manic state had the taxi driver take me to walgreens. I knew that I could at least get medication that was needed and due at the time. My next step was that we would drive through Boulder and Longmont up to Fort Collins where I needed to take care of a Dog as well as where my house was. There are more family dynamics that complicate the issue, but nothing that my parents or any family members have done wrong. (remember everyone has the same goal but there are 40 ways that look like they might get us there and 10 are sketchy, and 10 are frustrating and 20 are a coin flip).
                So back to the 26th of December, I was in the taxi monitoring things with my new bp cuff and new pulse ox. I had some apple juice to make sure my body had some energy to deal with the swelling that was occurring. I wrote on my new whiteboard some affirmations to make sure I stayed with it and got through everything. I knew I needed a nebulizer treatment as I had the flu and knew that I minimum needed an albuterol treatment. We made it to Boulder and I begans tightening up more, (anxiety most definitely a factor), but I had no medication except for epinephrine pens to use which I didn't want to. I also had the swelling but the trach was in and it was open. The final factor is my brain has recently been throwing in some pretty scary neurological symptoms, which to my knowledge I believe was my brain's way of saying "I'm done bitch, give me help, I can't cope any longer." Perhaps there is a more legitimate medical reason as well. So the result was we called an ambulance and from my memory talking with dispatch I couldn't say what exactly was going on and repeating phrases became incredibly hard.
                This time in the ED the doc in charge quickly discharged me with anxiety. I quickly rebounded in front of the patient advocate and called dispatch such that there would be record of how this went down. At this point remember I had 4 hours of sleep in a 24 hour period. Incredilby stressed not only because of my own health but its been a month of trauma all around (putting a dear friend's cat down, finals week, and having a friend in the ICU). So I was put on an M-1 hold and a different doctor saw me. I don't actually really remember everything but I continued to get more physically sick. I got taken care of physically but was taken of steroids abruptly. If you were my friend my freshmen year of high school you might remember some of the mania I had than after abruptly being taken of steroids. It is apparent now that most likely I have a form of Bipolar, and as doctors have said a very mild form; however, it is complicated by steroids and the medications I tend to need regularly.
                I spent around 7 days on the mental health floor to get me back to baseline physically and mentally. The hardest part for me is accepting that I most definitely suffer from a mental illness. Even though I have tremendous coping skills from all the trauma I have been through it was time that I got help in pulling those coping skills out as well as giving me a break from family dynamic stress. I also didn't have to deal with my angioedema alone for the entire week and I saw no friends suffer by watching me go through it. It sucks that I needed that much help but I will say I had been askingaserious pyschiatric help for the past couple months in doctors appointments as many will note. I met some amazing people and truly had a wonderful time growing on the behavioral health unit. I could not thank AMR, PVH EMS, PVH, MCR, UCH, and BCH enough for the help and kindness that has been shared despite any severely abnormal behaviors I had.  If you're reading this and have been a provider for me at some point in time, note that your work will never go unnoticed in my life. I will always be paying it forward; however, it is time that I take over my own care and hopefully learned the lessons needed to be truly successful. I do ask that you don't use me sharing that I have Bipolar as a way to justify anything you thought was weird about me, perhaps use it to recognize my strength instead.
                To end this note I'll type the poem I wrote while I was in there. It is incrediby important to me share that I am proud I was there as I start my EMS career. I recognize that not all may see it way. I encourage you to try to see it as a benefit to my growth as a provider especially considering our current crisis with not only providers experiencing depression but also patients throughout our nation. I was never in a state that I considered ending my life, but my self harm became forcing my mind and body through more than it was able to handle. If I asked or ask you for help and you say no don't feel bad at all, I am incredibly cognisant of boundaries and would prefer to have boundaries than for you to break your back picking me up.
What being here means:
It means I didn't give up,
It means I raised my hand for help,
It means I have people who care about me,
It means I never gave up,
It means I am loved,
It means I love myself,
It means I love my future.

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