I see you not ICU . . .a non hospital update!

Non-hospital update:

I'm so excited that I get to share that I once again judged debate this weekend. It has been an incredible week and I'm just on cloud 9 right now. I have no idea why, well maybe I do, but I am so incredibly happy after debate tournaments.

Denver East ran a great tournament and I have been asked to go be a judge for their team on the weekends and potentially travel with them. Its not anything official but I am honored that they've taken interest in me.

I am also known as the judge who makes jokes and has a cute dog. I hope this is good? I hope students don't feel they are at disadvantage with Toby in the room, I know I have been incredibly impressed with the rounds I've been a judge in so if they are impacted they truly need a disadvantage to level the playing field.

I also have started swimming again which is very exciting for me as well :)By swimming I mean I've gotten in the pool 3 days this week and by the 3rd day swam a total of 500 yards. I am trying to remember to take it easy and one step at a time. I so badly want to be the athlete that I see in my head but even more badly I want this to last and not result in hospital stays.

I also had a wonderful appointment with my doctor this week and we discussed a return to Iowa. I had a phone call with the dean of students at Coe as well. I have been saying for the past 4 years I am coming back so I'm not making any promises about it all but Coe is in the cards.

I am 10 credits shy of my associates degree after FRCC didn't give me the credits I was told I would get but I am hoping to CLEP out of those 10 credits. This means that really the next step is for me to get my bachelors degree and I'm ready to be a student again. My gut says so at least. The biggest hurtle for me will be finances but I have faith I will continue to apply for scholarships, and work hard to make it happen. I have seen some pretty amazing people work their way through college though it may be a little different in my ability to do so, this is what I want more than anything these days (and the past 8 years).

Everything can change so fast for me in a minute that I'm just taking it one day at a time and enjoying my hope.

I have also been blessed with a great bible study group that I have even face-timed with in order to attend and they were the ones that suggested that. To have people who go so far to include me is amazing. I've always been blessed by the people around me and I feel I have been given way more than I could ever even hope to return in a lifetime so I can only continue to pay it forward in hopes I make a difference for someone else.

I am babysitting for a wonderful family in Denver as well just once a week, but its perfect for me right now. I have eased them into my circumstances and feel already very loved by their family and the situation.

Friday I had the best of surprises and had not 1 but 2 phone calls from my my soul-friend Tess, the one in the navy. She said "I needed a pep talk from the strongest woman I know, so I had to call you." I couldn't believe the words she uttered and I repeated them directly back to her. I love getting support others and getting to be a friend and she is one of the greatest things that has happened in my life. Honestly my whole EMT experience really has been that way (Tess and I met in EMT school). So thank you to my EMS family even if I don't get to be on the streets with you and even in the classroom for the most part, know that I smile about the good things and feel very blessed by all of you.

Every day is a fight for everyone. We all have struggles and there is no way to compare them. So know that I am sending love to you all. I have given beyond what I "can" in the past and I cannot do that again. I end up taking way more in the end. So I am here for you but with boundaries.

Love,
Julia and Toby

"Yes, I swim with a Trach."

What follows is my practice essay for part one of the CLEP college composition essays. I had 30 minutes to write my essay ( I used 40 but handwritten so I’m hoping that I can give myself some slack for the first practice essay). The challenge is to respond to the prompt:

There are no challenges so difficult, no goals so impossible, as the ones we set for ourselves.

I have attached the link below for the rubric the essay would be assessed on. Please feel free to comment with feedback or email me.

Scroll down to First Essay: Directions and Scoring Guidelines

https://clep.collegeboard.org/exam/college-composition

I whispered to my mother (with an accompanying heavy glare) “No, stop, I already know.” I didn’t really know the answer to the question. I had spent endless hours thinking about it and doing research. I did know the answer Dr. Mathew Clary would give.

               “So, can she swim with the trach, should she?” my mother posed the question I’d spent all of my time pondering.

               “Yeah, sure, I mean keep the Trach capped but a few splashes should be fine.” Dr. Clary openly responded.

               “No, no, swim, like laps and such.” My mother corrected Dr. Clary’s landscape he’d so quickly painted. I received the equivalent of a doctor’s “professional” spit-take in the form of a facial expression.

               “You’ve got to be nuts!” I grinned, I knew this was the perfect challenge for me. “You are out of your mind.” Dr. Clary, still, profoundly flabbergasted by my persistence to swim with a trach, continued to utter statemenets reflecting amazement, but not exactly a presecription for exercising in the water where death loomed in the unknown. I had my end goal laced into my mind. I would one day find myself jumping off the starting blocks racing my way through the water with a tracheostomy in place. While there is nothing easy about the goals I place in front of myself, the challenges that line the path are merely impossible to those unwilling to try or those on the outside. I have found the goals other individuals set for myself are the impossible.

               I am the younger of two type A incredibly driven females, comparison came naturally. My older sister by 4 years competed as a student athlete, achieved honors academically and athletically throughout high school, so there would be to expect nothing less from “Little Beckley.” By th second month of my Freshmen year, it was evident I would not trace my sisters footsteps in achievements as the expectation I had felt from others. A month before conference championships in high school swimming, medical problems that appeared to be deadly reactions to many things, including the pool, kept me on the side of my sister’s steps. I quickly began to take myown untraveled path. I still ahd my own dreams and goals but they were focused on my view of possible and my passions. In the end I too graduated with academic success and athletic success in my goals.

               I didn’t swim competitively again until my freshman year of college. I found myself struggling with health again; however, this time I had a continuance of broken bones plaguing my dreams. I was not excluded from swimming in the first meet but I was not cleared either as a potential underlying fracture had not been evaluated. When the assistant coaches asked if I would be swimming as I loaded the bus, I grinned, “S***, I’ve forgotten my suit, I’ll be right back.” I swam my fastest 50 free at my first college swim meet with what later showed as a stress fracture in my left foot.

               As I smile nostalgically at my past with swimming, I see the goals I’ve achieved and the ones I did not. The goals set by others were truly impossible. Each challenge I tackled to my own personal goals, was not easy but I made my it all possible. The spirit of the statement “There are no challenges so difficult, no goals so impossible, as the ones we set for ourselves,” reflects the human nature to push boundaries which is also reflected in my own goals; however, as a romantic I believe anything is possible.

               6 weeks later I returned to my ENT’s office. Before leaving I pulled out my phone “Oh, I would like to show you something.” I pressed play. A neon inverted video proceeded of a girl swimming, accompanied by words and music. (https://www.facebook.com/beckleyjulia3/videos/vb.1369626920/10205343264445652/?type=2&theater)

               In a different wave of astonishment Dr. Clary looked at me “That’s you?”

               “Yes, I swim with my trach.”

The Chapter I am in: Learning to Dance

     We walked around the tennis courts at City Park in Denver looking for the perfect spot. I knew this park well from years of playing tennis there against Denver East High School; however, today's visit was different. Megan, a dear friend from Coe College, was visiting for the week. She had never been to Colorado, and per tradition needed to go dancing in Colorado to check the state off. We would spend less than 30 minutes going over the basics of Lindy Hop (a type of swing dancing). Following dancing lessons with a brief intermission for food and than off to Baur's to listen to the Spicy Pickles while dancing the evening away. I only danced for a few songs with Megan throughout the evening but it was the start of something incredible. Surrounded my a new community to for myself and Toby, I found happiness and hope; the intangible feelings I had been short on many times throughout the past year. A couple of days later we went dancing again at the Mercury cafe, and Megan helped make sure I was prepared. I pre-treated, taped my ankles, and felt great going into the dancing. I got to dance with a few very experienced dancers making it easier to follow.
     The importance of my dancing story is not just how happy I was and am dancing but how I have applied this to my life most recently. In the second grade I remember learning how to dance, I don't know exactly what type of dancing but I do remember something about "the pretzel." I thought I was happy with the level of my dance knowledge as is and didn't feel that I could really dance anyways if I tried (not just intellectually but more out of physical fear, and I still have this struggle). After recent conversations I was reminded of this idea of freedom from illness and health, living much more than I have. More and more that feeling of freedom has appeared in little bits and I've thought about having better grasp over health. This idea has always been the goal but I feel that I am coming into a season of which I will learn to live again but not without obstacles. So I've decided to think about this in comparison to learning to dance "again." While I may have known some basics years ago of dancing and life, I am learning the basics all over again. Listening to both the music and my body I will learn to follow the rhythm. I will find pattern in my feet and breaths I take to have better autonomy and management of how I move my body and flow through my life. I will learn the basic movements and basics of living all over again. In the end of this chapter I will find myself with a different level of life and dancing.

Thanks to Brooke Jostad, for posting a question on Facebook of "what would the title of the chapter of life you're in be?" Please feel free to respond in the comments or email me at joulesandjules@gmail.com or fb respond! Prayers and love to all!

Changing the Game

          Packing my bag frantically I ran through my head everything I would need to bring. There was the the obvious survival needs, clothes, food, and Toby. After the essentials most 22 year old females would need I pulled out the big teal bag, "the drug bag." I packed 3 different nebulizers (2 portable and their charger and the charger that allows them to be plugged into the car, and than the big nebulizer too). Why would someone pack 3 nebulizers? Because the mesh cap has failed before, the batteries have died, and so many things that seem preventable. That word "preventable" haunts me. Several weeks ago an idea had popped into my head, a metaphor. I've realized over time my thought process has been warped to where I have scenarios that can play out in my head as sometrihing starts to go wrong and I typically try to optimize the "having a life" aspect figuring that even being the most of proactive I'd end up in the ICU at some point or the ER or whatever you have it. I have been living in a pinball machine. No matter how hard I try to change where the ball goes it ends at some point. I have gotten very very good at playing pin ball too. Remember the last two flippers right before the end? I've mastered the art of pushing that ball back into play when it seems like its doomed. 

        I look at how my friends play pinball. I listen to their challenges they all face and declare I don't want to do it that way. I declare I don't want the world to see me as a pinball player and I wouldn't make my facebook all about playing pinball, and than it happens. The game ends or I need advice on different moves, and than I judge myself. It seems so simple right? Just walk away from the pinball machine. Or "just get a job" and make some money and you'll be fine. 

        I have no answer to this problem tonight but I wanted to start writing some and just share. I wonder if I can change the game. I wonder if I can de-construct the machine and change how it ends. I wonder if people who've played it once or twice can give me the best advice. I wonder if those watching for years on end can make a difference. This is by no means the perfect metaphor but it was a starting point for writing.

       Friday I was so excited to go see the concert with Jules and even more lucky to spend a good hour talking with the Flobots after and getting to sign with them. You see 6 years ago I went to my first official concert, the Flobots, at New West Fest. Rachel, my sister, was in a coma at the time. Each band member signed a shirt for her with a personal message. The shirt hung in her room throughout her recovery and at home too. 6 years later and she had just returned from teaching in France. I got to share that they were apart of not only her recovery but my own journey. I quickly learned that one of the band member's wives is a speech pathologist too as I went to cover my trach to talk each time but was consistently reassured it wasn't gross and I didn't have to do so. I also got to sign with a lot of them as they too are asl students. It was the most incredible night but it had its concequences. So what if I hadn't pulled back on the plunger to push the next ball into the pin ball machine game that night? What if I had stayed where I was. Would I be fulfilling the plan for my life or was I going against the plan? Is this my fault? 

     What I do know is I have to believe I have purpose for my life. I have to believe that I am getting better even if it is simply my ability to handle hospitalizations. I love what I have done and my regrets lie in the relationships lost and the people whom I've harmed through my choices. I apologize quite humbly to those who've been on this journey and no longer can tolerate me. Thank you to those who are new to this and those who are old to this. Here are to more days of playing the game, and hopefully changing it too.